WHAT MAKES A COUPLE STRONG?
– Studies on how couples managed to maintain a happy, from their point of view, relationship for more than 30 years, notes such a factor as “double vision”: I understand that you are not a superman, after many years together there is always something to be disappointed with, but at the same time I continue to remember the entry point, the initial meaning for which we formed a couple, you the same (or the same). These people joke that in fact they also went through a series of marriages, just with the same person. Probably their main amazing secret is honesty. Where there is honesty, there is no betrayal.
Sexuality is repressed, probably precisely because there is no other sphere where we are faced with our otherness, individuality in comparison with others. And if this otherness of yours can be shown to your partner, this is the connection, such “I really see you”. It is a powerful experience, an experience of acceptance. At the same time, the partner can tell us that he will not meet our desires, but if this is not about fears and rules, but about his or her otherness, and you can also see this, then this is closeness, this is a spiritual intimacy of a higher order. This is not about maternal acceptance, which we have all received less, not about making up for the child’s “minus” with a marital or partner’s “plus”.
AND WHAT IS THE MOST COMMON REASON FOR TREASON?
– One of the common motives to change is to relive a piece of this being seen by someone else, when it seems that in a couple it is not available or will not work. This is what we all yearn for – such a sight. For many couples, cheating is the moment when they finally have to look at each other. When otherness has manifested itself in such a way that it can no longer be ignored. So researchers started talking about the chance and how cheating might be a structural element for a couple in a richer and more fulfilling relationship.
– HOW IS CHEATING TREATED IN OTHER CULTURES?
– I was amazed at one time that the American rehabilitation course for women who suffered from infidelity began with “let’s remember who we are and where we are going”, not with an analysis of partners and their actions, but about a return to our own identity. And when she gropes, it’s easier to accept the idea that we are not controlling another person. And we may never even know why she or he did it. And we realize that our desires and values may not coincide with someone else’s. From this place, we can make a choice: not “prove that you will never cheat on me”, but “whether the relationship is valuable enough for me to be in them, knowing about such a risk.” Not erasing with an eraser and a quick, painless return to the past, which is often idealized in such cases. And the process of transformation, from which you will come out better, getting to know yourself and the other and what is important to you.
From this point of view, betrayal can highlight what was valuable in a couple, what was not “brought into” it, and even remind of the finiteness of being and that we come and go into this world one by one, but you can choose your fellow travelers …